Side Effects May Cause...

"I haven't cried in like 5 years" I said in 2010. I was a tough and happy girl that never shed a tear. Although I've had setbacks in life before; nothing could have prepared me emotionally on having to deal with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Facing challenges with this disease-physically and mentally-takes a toll on any persons emotions, body and confidence. My self-esteem is shot at times and I doubt myself on taking on certain physical tasks.

Have you ever cried trying to open a pickle jar?

The questions I ponder sometimes get me in a depressed mood: Can I put on pants today? Will I get sleep tonight? If I have kids, will I be able to take care of them and run around with them? Will I be a mobile senior citizen or putt around in a wheel chair? Will I live to be a senior citizen?


Sometimes when you’re stuck in bed alone, with only your thoughts-you can’t help but go to a dark place and cry and cry and cry. And think to yourself, “This pain and loneliness is too much to bear for the rest of my life. How can I continue to fight for my life when I’m pushed to the limit and exhausted?”

It’s easy to fall into depression with these thoughts day in and day out. Not to mention the medication “Side effects may cause suicidal thoughts.” No shit! So you’re telling me, if I consume this medication to make my body feel “better” I may still have to battle with suicidal thoughts? Why don’t I just shoot myself right now?!

It’s hard to not be sad or depressed with these thoughts every day-and it’s easy to fall into a deep depression. During this difficult time, it’s important to have someone to talk to about these feelings-even if you don’t want to. Pick a friend, family member, mentor or professional to talk about how you’re feeling.

If you feel you can’t talk to anyone or know of someone who is getting suicidal thoughts and need to talk to someone, refer them to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It’s important to talk to someone and not let these feelings bottle up to the point where you feel that the only way out is to take your own life.

There are plenty of resources to vent and talk to someone. Join a Facebook group with people who have common disease or hurdles to overcome. Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, see a therapist or pick up a hobby.

If all else fails, you can email me and I will love to chat with you; email me at

Aimee Matsumoto